Book Review: …And Then I Would Fly

Reviewed by Erin Britton

Childhood damage and adult misery are somehow eclipsed by hope in this powerful memoir.

…And Then I Would Fly, Damien Thompson’s evocative memoir of a childhood shaped by dysfunction but characterized by hope, sheds light on the immense damage that mental health issues, addiction, relationship breakdown, and domestic abuse can cause to individuals, families, and society at large. However, it simultaneously reflects how such damage can be overcome by the irrepressible loyalty, compassion, and determination of youth. Above all, it is a book that will inspire, motivate, and encourage those in similar situations.

Thompson’s recollections begin in the 1980s, “in a green multi-level house in the south of Omaha, Nebraska.” He is a young child at the time, and unusually, he chooses to write his memoir in an age-appropriate tone and style: “I am little.” The early stories he tells are often deceptively wholesome, focusing on family time and the activities he and his parents engage in, particularly listening to music, writing, and making art.

Still, there is always something darker lurking in the background, something suggestive of the happy family really being anything but content and united. For instance, Thompson wakes one morning and observes, “My dad is still out cold in bed. He probably stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, watching movies. My mother is at work.” There are clear indications that his fun dad is not always so fun and that his mother is responsible for keeping the family ticking over.

As a consequence, his dad’s presence looms large over the narrative from the outset and causes considerable confusion. On the one hand, his dad has “a strong sense of caregiving in him” and is always willing to help those in trouble, perhaps after a flat   tire or having been locked out. He also has a job working with adults with intellectual disabilities. He’s certainly not, at least not in the early years, an out and out bad guy, and Thompson practically worships him: “My father embodied all things that I could fathom in a hero.”

On the other hand, his dad has a nasty streak in him. For example, on one occasion when eight-year-old Thompson is struggling during a swimming lesson, rather than offering him encouragement, his dad starts to goad him. “I hated when my dad cussed. He was going to try and humiliate me in front of the rest of the class.” It’s impossible not to feel sorry for Thompson during such incidents, but it’s equally impossible not to be impressed by how clear-sighted his interpretations and understandings of things are.

These insightful memories ensure that Thompson’s dad is portrayed as a deeply flawed and complex, albeit still somewhat relatable, character. Of course, Thompson’s mother has her own opinions on the matter and eventually seeks a divorce, but even the family breakdown is presented in a self-serving and manipulative way by Thompson’s dad: “His lip began to quiver a little bit and he looked very soft and I suddenly felt scared and sad that he was sad. He looked at me and said, ‘Daddy’s not going to live at home anymore.’”

In keeping with his immediate self-pity and lack of self-reflection, Thompson’s dad blames his soon to be ex-wife for everything, uttering comments such as “She doesn’t want to get help” and “She’s not willing to listen, Damien.” In fact, he manipulates Thompson into haranguing his mother and attempting to change her mind (“I pushed my way through the front door, my dad dragging behind, a broken man anxious to see if there was a solution here.”), even after it emerges that the parents had previously agreed to tell Thompson about the divorce together.   

Fortunately, his mother sticks to her guns. “She wasn’t without a voice, but many times she went along to get along. In this particular instance, I saw her blood begin to boil.” She must have been a stronger character than she appears in Thompson’s early memories and it would have been good to know more about her and understand her character better. As it is, even post-divorce and with the benefit of decades of hindsight, she is subsumed under the bombastic character of her former husband.

All the upheaval results in Thompson taking on responsibilities and worries far beyond his young age. “She didn’t seem to want to talk details with me. My dad seemed driven to.” His dad continues to manipulate, but he also breaks into the old family home, reads his ex-wife’s diary, steals small items, and engages in other petty nonsense. And things somehow become even worse after his dad shacks up with the eighteen-year-old Dolores, a relationship almost immediately marked by anger and violence.

“Dolores got pregnant near the end of my twelfth year on the planet. I was devastated. The crazy bitch had done it. She had divided and conquered.” The emotional confusion of the young Thompson is immediate and visceral. From this point on, as he continues with his (inherited) spiral toward self-destruction during his teenage years and young adulthood, he does so while keeping an eye on his little sister Lily. For a while, she seems to be the one bright point in his troubled life, even if the sibling relationship is not an easy one.

…And Then I Would Fly spans Thompson’s life from the early 1980s to around 2020, from childhood to adulthood, from confusion and anger to understanding and some degree of acceptance. His life doesn’t exactly get easier, it certainly doesn’t become any smoother, and he doesn’t manage to avoid all the vices that have seemingly plagued his family for some generations; however, he manages to retain his hope and his belief that there might be better things around the corner.

Thompson’s memoir is an often difficult and sometimes heartbreaking read, but it also manages to be life-affirming. As his experience shows, even in the darkest times, the sun will still rise and there is always the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness. Thompson’s life so far has been a difficult one, although it has also been a fulfilling one, and hopefully there are brighter days in store. On that basis, his honest reflections will inspire those with similarly difficult family lives.

“Our family was this way. They wanted sleeping dogs to lie. It was easier not to speak about uncomfortable subjects, so they wouldn’t.”

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